In the past, I have always thought that getting pregnant and having a baby is as easy as pie, and that I will be a mother in MY own timing. I have been married for a little over five years now, and during that time, Tim and I have definitely talked about starting a family. However, I brushed it off every time and told him agitatedly that I simply wasn't ready. End of the conversation. However, we have been trying for a little over a year now, and I am forced to come to a painstaking realization that conceiving is not as easy as I thought it was going to be.
One of the most important factors in conceiving a baby is the mother's overall health. Unfortunately, it is apparent that my body is still suffering from the years of disordered eating that I engaged in. Right after I got married, I fell into a deep depression. For a girl who thrive on consistency and uniformity, all the changes that occurred at once was too much to bear. In a desperation to gain some, no any sense of control, I started the self-destructive cycle of starving and bingeing. It was the lowest time of my life, and I weighed as little as 85 pounds!
I say all this to remind myself and all of you that we need to treat our body that God graciously gave us like a temple (I know it's a cliche but so true). Whatever the reasons are for engaging in activities that are so harmful and dangerous to our bodies, trust me, there will be repercussions.
Praise the Lord, I am on the road to recovery! It hasn't been and is still not that easy. Like I've mentioned, I am a creature of habit. I have lived so many days counting calories, avoiding fat, weighing myself constantly, bingeing for hours on end then starving out of guilt, exercising excessively... It's a part of me now. I cannot simply just walk away. The good news is that I am trying! And what's motivating me now is my immense desire to become a mother!
The first step I took was to admit that I have an eating disorder. I did not want to admit that I had a problem, but now I own up to it.
So what are some of the changes that I have made since then?
I got rid of that darn scale. I am exercising less. I am eating more than I ever have in my entire life! I eat a lot of these:
you can find a lot of squirrel food around here. Lots of nuts and seeds!
And finally, I started this blog. So many days I just want to curl up into a ball, lock myself inside the house, and be isolated from the world. However, I have been down that path before, and it sure isn't pretty! I wanted to create an outlet for myself in which I can express my feelings and my thoughts instead of harboring them all inside.
So here I find myself sitting in front of a computer, organizing my thoughts, and putting them into words. I must say I already feel this sense of liberation and peace that I can't explain. This is a good thing!
Now for those of you who may be suffering from heartaches or struggling with various issues in life, this is for you...
It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feel like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
hope you can find strength in these words!